Not Of This World

Note: This is a private prayer. I began this with the intention of keeping it that way. But I feel that some of my followers would benefit from reading this prayer, and seeing that they are not alone in many of their struggles and feelings. I hope that they know that I am always here for them and so is God. 

Dear God,

     There is so much going on right now. And I really don’t know what I believe in my heart anymore. There are things that I believe in my head, but that I have lost conviction for in my heart. I know that the things that I am encountering right now are addictions that I cannot overcome alone. The strength that faith in you provides in my life is what I need, but I am so full of pride and self-pity that I can’t get past my own insecurity to come before you. 
     I feel like such a fake and a fraud. I’m a huge hypocrite. I want so badly to live a faithful and Christian life. But then I turn around and fall back into habits and thoughts that destroy me. I feel that I can’t go to the authorities in my church because I am afraid of what they will think of me. I’m scared to even tell my Christian friends the entirety of what I am going through because I don’t want them to know that I’m not this good person they thought me to be. I don’t want anyone to be disappointed in me. Especially since everyone at the church seems to think that I have such strong faith and such a good heart. I just don’t see that in myself, and I feel like I’ve failed them.
     I know that they won’t get mad at me, and that they’ll love me either way. But, again, I just can’t get past my insecurities right now. I haven’t even been able to come to you. I really don’t even know if I am right now.
     I just know that I want to get better. I want to stop. I just can’t let myself. I can’t forgive myself even though you’ve forgiven me a thousand times over. I can’t let myself go. And I feel like I’ve already failed so miserably that there’s no turning back. There’s no forgiveness for me. Not when I’ve done this badly. So then I just excuse myself back into a life of addiction.
     Please just let me accept that I am not perfect. Let me be able to get rid of these things that weigh so heavily on my heart, and to be able to forgive myself because you are able to forgive me. Help me to abandon this self-pity and this pride and take up my cross. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Just let me move into a new mentality and a different phase of my life. I’m so sick of who I am. Help me change. Give me the faith and the strength.

I pray these things in the name of the Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.