A blog devoted to God and helping fellow Christians keep positive in Faith and in Christ.
It would be awesome to hear from a Mormon perspective, because I really want to start going to the Church again and building my relationship with Christ.
But I feel like I’ve dug myself a hole too deep to get out of.
Since I was baptized into the Church, I’ve done just about everything wrong. VERY wrong.
I don’t really want to go into details out in the open, but if you are truly willing to listen to what I have to say and give me advice, I would appreciate it more than anything.
I just want to be able to accept whatever he gives to me this year, and be able to view it through Christian eyes. I want to be able to see everything for what it is—a learning experience. I want to be able to diminish, and let Him get bigger and bigger in my life.
I pray that God will help me understand sin better, and change my perspectives, so that I can forgive myself and allow myself to accept God’s grace. I pray that God will continuously send me reminders of my testimony, and that I will be able to see them with my heart. I want to change the way I battle with my logic, because logic always gets in the way of faith. I pray that I would be a better beacon unto others who are struggling and that I would be able to be a true example of light.
1. Jessica Christopherson: She is my best friend since 3rd grade. God has given me this girl as a huge blessing. She is my sister in Christ, above all things, and I am so grateful that she has been by my side through these years to serve as an example and as a comforter through many many trials. She is truly touched by God, and will without a doubt go on to shine her light in the darkness of other’s lives and show them the truth. I love her so much, and I wish that I could have been the friend to her that she was to me. I love you, Jess.
2. Steven Josephson: This guy. He’s been such a huge blessing in my life. He has really helped hold me together in some situations, and to get the ball rolling in my spiritual life here at college. He has been a great influence and a shining example. He reminds me of Jessica, in a lot of ways. Like, a Mormon guy version of Jessica. It’s pretty great.
3. Chauncie Haight: Chauncie is one of my best friends here at College. She is so awesome. We’re really similar and we have a great time together. She has been a great blessing as a friend, but also a great challenge as a friend. She has strengthened me so much in many different ways, but has also influenced me negatively sometimes. I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. I love her so so much. She is very dear to my heart, and I know that God loves her so much! I know this because he put her in my life. :)
4. Christopher Knapp: This is my dad. I love him with all my heart. Not just ‘cause he’s my dad. But he has been such a beautiful example of God’s love and grace in my life. He’s supported and loved me through everything in my life, the good and the bad. The other day, in Institute, someone said something that really made me appreciate my father: “What if we trusted our Heavenly Father the way we trusted our dad?” I thought to myself, “Wow. I’m really slacking off on trusting my Heavenly Father then.”
5. My LDS family: Everyone at the Church has been so good to me. From my close friends, to my new friends, to the Elders, to the Bishop… It has been such a wonderful experience knowing these people. I am so glad that God led me to the Church when he did. And I know he did it because these specific people would be there to help me. I love you guys so much.
Now here’s a cute puppy to represent my joy.
Note: This is a private prayer. I began this with the intention of keeping it that way. But I feel that some of my followers would benefit from reading this prayer, and seeing that they are not alone in many of their struggles and feelings. I hope that they know that I am always here for them and so is God.
There is so much going on right now. And I really don’t know what I believe in my heart anymore. There are things that I believe in my head, but that I have lost conviction for in my heart. I know that the things that I am encountering right now are addictions that I cannot overcome alone. The strength that faith in you provides in my life is what I need, but I am so full of pride and self-pity that I can’t get past my own insecurity to come before you.
I feel like such a fake and a fraud. I’m a huge hypocrite. I want so badly to live a faithful and Christian life. But then I turn around and fall back into habits and thoughts that destroy me. I feel that I can’t go to the authorities in my church because I am afraid of what they will think of me. I’m scared to even tell my Christian friends the entirety of what I am going through because I don’t want them to know that I’m not this good person they thought me to be. I don’t want anyone to be disappointed in me. Especially since everyone at the church seems to think that I have such strong faith and such a good heart. I just don’t see that in myself, and I feel like I’ve failed them.
I know that they won’t get mad at me, and that they’ll love me either way. But, again, I just can’t get past my insecurities right now. I haven’t even been able to come to you. I really don’t even know if I am right now.
I just know that I want to get better. I want to stop. I just can’t let myself. I can’t forgive myself even though you’ve forgiven me a thousand times over. I can’t let myself go. And I feel like I’ve already failed so miserably that there’s no turning back. There’s no forgiveness for me. Not when I’ve done this badly. So then I just excuse myself back into a life of addiction.
Please just let me accept that I am not perfect. Let me be able to get rid of these things that weigh so heavily on my heart, and to be able to forgive myself because you are able to forgive me. Help me to abandon this self-pity and this pride and take up my cross. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Just let me move into a new mentality and a different phase of my life. I’m so sick of who I am. Help me change. Give me the faith and the strength.
I pray these things in the name of the Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.
1. “Times” — Tenth Avenue North … I love this song so much because of the ending part when it’s from God’s point of view. It so perfectly describes his love for us and his never-ending faithfulness towards us no matter what we do or what position we’re in.
2. “Our God’ — Chris Tomlin … “And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?” This.
3. “Flags (Acoustic)” — Brooke Fraser … I love this song because of the final verses, when she sings that the last will be first. It’s a great reminder of the nature of God’s grace.
4. “God Delights in You” — Sovereign Grace … I just love this viewpoint on God’s joy in us as his children. It makes me smile so big every time I hear it.
5. “I Know That My Redeemer Lives” — Hymn … Yes, it’s a hymn. Yes, it’s old fashioned. But check out the piano piece that Paul Cardall does of this song. It’s so so beautiful.
1. Jeremiah 29:11 & 13 — I love these verses paired together because they work so beautifully to show the nature of God. Everything God does is to strengthen and teach us, to make us better individuals and to draw us closer to Him. If we really believe this, then no challenge we encounter will be in vain.
2. Micah 7:8 — Micah is one of my all-time favorite books of the Bible EVER! And this verse is perfect advice to those who feel they have fallen short of God.
3. The last sentence of Luke 6:45 — You will ultimately know a tree by it’s fruit, and what is in our hearts will be revealed in what we say and how we live. Luke 12:34 is also a good indicator of this.
4. Luke 21:15-19 — This is a good reminder of the trials that we will face because of our faith. Not only those who don’t believe, but often those who appear to be good and close to us will betray us deeply. We must rely on no one person, but on God ALONE.
5. Again, just the whole book of Micah. It seems like every section ends with a deeply positive and insightful piece, and it is just beautifully revealing of God’s nature and his amazing uniqueness and power.
I got in a really bad car wreck today. Slammed into a guardrail and totaled my car. The only injuries I sustained were a bruised wrist, and minor lacerations on my right hand. It’s a miracle I’m alive. God continues to bless me with miracles of life when I should honestly be dead.
(In no particular order)
1. My sense of style. I love clothes and dressing up.
2. My ability to be humbled.
3. My eyes.
4. My artistic and creative skill.
5. My ability to understand and learn quickly.
6. My hands. I’ve been told they are piano player’s hands.
7. My musical skill.
8. My humor and ability to laugh and have fun.
9. My passion and conviction.
10. My God-given faith.
His grace. His love and understanding.
I’ll never grasp His ability to forgive and redeem me. He will never turn away, even though I will deny Him a thousand times over. I’m really struggling to accept that right now. But it’s the beauty of grace that makes life not fair.