Not Of This World

Note: This is a private prayer. I began this with the intention of keeping it that way. But I feel that some of my followers would benefit from reading this prayer, and seeing that they are not alone in many of their struggles and feelings. I hope that they know that I am always here for them and so is God. 

Dear God,

     There is so much going on right now. And I really don’t know what I believe in my heart anymore. There are things that I believe in my head, but that I have lost conviction for in my heart. I know that the things that I am encountering right now are addictions that I cannot overcome alone. The strength that faith in you provides in my life is what I need, but I am so full of pride and self-pity that I can’t get past my own insecurity to come before you. 
     I feel like such a fake and a fraud. I’m a huge hypocrite. I want so badly to live a faithful and Christian life. But then I turn around and fall back into habits and thoughts that destroy me. I feel that I can’t go to the authorities in my church because I am afraid of what they will think of me. I’m scared to even tell my Christian friends the entirety of what I am going through because I don’t want them to know that I’m not this good person they thought me to be. I don’t want anyone to be disappointed in me. Especially since everyone at the church seems to think that I have such strong faith and such a good heart. I just don’t see that in myself, and I feel like I’ve failed them.
     I know that they won’t get mad at me, and that they’ll love me either way. But, again, I just can’t get past my insecurities right now. I haven’t even been able to come to you. I really don’t even know if I am right now.
     I just know that I want to get better. I want to stop. I just can’t let myself. I can’t forgive myself even though you’ve forgiven me a thousand times over. I can’t let myself go. And I feel like I’ve already failed so miserably that there’s no turning back. There’s no forgiveness for me. Not when I’ve done this badly. So then I just excuse myself back into a life of addiction.
     Please just let me accept that I am not perfect. Let me be able to get rid of these things that weigh so heavily on my heart, and to be able to forgive myself because you are able to forgive me. Help me to abandon this self-pity and this pride and take up my cross. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Just let me move into a new mentality and a different phase of my life. I’m so sick of who I am. Help me change. Give me the faith and the strength.

I pray these things in the name of the Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.  

Please include me in your prayers. I am having an extremely difficult time combatting the forces of Satan since I decided to be baptized in the Mormon church. I have been disheartened and discouraged greatly. Please just say a blessing to give me strength and perseverance in Christ. Thank you guys so much! 

     Usually, when I get on tumblr or when I set out to do something to strengthen my connection with God, I’m pretty motivated about it; I’m just really passionate and ready to have at it. Other times I just feel so negative and unhappy that I make excuses and feel unfulfilled until I do a Godly post or read some scripture, or even listen to Godly music. 
      But then there’s times like today, when I feel absolutely neutral about the issue. I don’t necessarily feel like I want to do anything about it, but I don’t feel like NOT doing anything about it. 
      So, I went and grabbed my laptop, intent on making a post or reblogging a good amount of inspirational or thoughtful posts. I opened tumblr… and I felt nothing. Nothing came to mind when I started to write a post, and no images really caught my eye to where I felt like I needed to hit “reblog”. 
     However, I felt I needed to take some time today and put some effort into this. I had to physically remove myself from the room I was in (where the LOTR marathon I was enjoying was going on), even though I was perfectly content, and put myself in a situation where I could concentrate on the task at hand.
     My point (after that LONG and seemingly meaningless introduction) is that even if you are not driven to do anything specific for God, or you are not moved to put effort into what you are doing to further yourself spiritually, FORCE yourself. After I moved rooms and just started typing, I gained some steam. So, even if you don’t feel motivated or moved, just give it a chance. If no scripture is speaking to you, keep reading. You’ll find something, even if it’s the littlest feeling of positivity in your heart. If you are trying to pray, but don’t feel particularly thankful or in need of God, pray with everything in your heart anyway. You’ll find something that you really needed to give up to God, or something you are really really thankful for. Just give it a shot. What do you have to lose, other than negativity?

      Last week I was on fire for God. I created this tumblr, and was listening to “traditional” Christian music all day. And things were great! I felt good about life and about where I was spiritually. 
      But as the week went on, my passion started to fade. If God was with me and I loved him, why was I so sad? If I was filled with Christ, why did I feel so terrible? Why didn’t I feel God’s ever-present Spirit? I got in a really dark place, really fast.

     Often, people turn to God when things get bad. When they have nowhere else to go. When only God can fix them. However, more often, they forget about God when the good times roll.
     I don’t know about you guys, but when I am especially connected with God and I just feel awesome for Him, I tend to neglect my Christian responsibilities. I don’t read my Bible, and I justify listening to music that might be borderline inappropriate. I don’t pray with the passion or the fervency that I do when I am desperate. I say to myself, I am positive! I am full of God! What could possibly bring me down?
      But, honestly, when we are on fire for God, the devil takes opportunity. When we reach out to God, he tries to pull back our outstretched arms. Not with force, of course, but with persuasion. A gentle tug here and a subtle pull there will do the trick. 
     Personally, I do a lot of self-talking. And when I am happy or content, I can easily bring myself up by talking to and convincing my mind of positive things. When I am even the smallest bit negative, however, I can convince myself that I don’t even deserve to be alive! I have a pretty good idea where these “voices in my head” are coming from. Picture the comical image of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other: a simple illustration for a much more sinister truth.
     Anyway, my point is, don’t abandon the Christian habits and the Godly feelings that you have when in despair. When everything is going great, don’t put down your Bible. Don’t stop praying. Read about the blessings of God and His ultimate glory. Tell him about all the beautiful things you see in a day that you are grateful for. Be routine and be constant. Be VIGILANT. For the adversary never sleeps.