Not Of This World

Note: This is a private prayer. I began this with the intention of keeping it that way. But I feel that some of my followers would benefit from reading this prayer, and seeing that they are not alone in many of their struggles and feelings. I hope that they know that I am always here for them and so is God. 

Dear God,

     There is so much going on right now. And I really don’t know what I believe in my heart anymore. There are things that I believe in my head, but that I have lost conviction for in my heart. I know that the things that I am encountering right now are addictions that I cannot overcome alone. The strength that faith in you provides in my life is what I need, but I am so full of pride and self-pity that I can’t get past my own insecurity to come before you. 
     I feel like such a fake and a fraud. I’m a huge hypocrite. I want so badly to live a faithful and Christian life. But then I turn around and fall back into habits and thoughts that destroy me. I feel that I can’t go to the authorities in my church because I am afraid of what they will think of me. I’m scared to even tell my Christian friends the entirety of what I am going through because I don’t want them to know that I’m not this good person they thought me to be. I don’t want anyone to be disappointed in me. Especially since everyone at the church seems to think that I have such strong faith and such a good heart. I just don’t see that in myself, and I feel like I’ve failed them.
     I know that they won’t get mad at me, and that they’ll love me either way. But, again, I just can’t get past my insecurities right now. I haven’t even been able to come to you. I really don’t even know if I am right now.
     I just know that I want to get better. I want to stop. I just can’t let myself. I can’t forgive myself even though you’ve forgiven me a thousand times over. I can’t let myself go. And I feel like I’ve already failed so miserably that there’s no turning back. There’s no forgiveness for me. Not when I’ve done this badly. So then I just excuse myself back into a life of addiction.
     Please just let me accept that I am not perfect. Let me be able to get rid of these things that weigh so heavily on my heart, and to be able to forgive myself because you are able to forgive me. Help me to abandon this self-pity and this pride and take up my cross. I don’t want to live like this anymore. Just let me move into a new mentality and a different phase of my life. I’m so sick of who I am. Help me change. Give me the faith and the strength.

I pray these things in the name of the Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.  

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     I’m a little late on “today” (January 26, 2012) since it’s already tomorrow, but today was an AWESOME day, God! I had dinner at McDonalds with my good Mormon friend, and we had some time to catch up on our lives this past week. We have both been very busy! But it was a GREAT time talking with him, and I went back to my dorm in a great mood and got back to posting for my fellow God-driven tumblrs. I was frustrated earlier today, but the issue that made me so upset was easily solved, a very important fact that I need to always keep in mind when the little things get me worked up. Also, I overcame the flu/sickness that was weighing me down. Yay! Also also, my ask box worked tonight! What a great blessing! (My ask box is disabled from letting ask other people questions because of my college’s internet firewall. I hope this isn’t a one time thing and that it is a modification that has fixed this issue permanently :D ).
     However, the end of my day was a little discouraging because of some troubles I am having emotionally with a close friend. Please help me have strength and assertiveness in this relationship, God. Allow me to confront the issue head-on instead of half-way solving it like I have been.  
     Oh! I almost forgot. It was snowing when I went to dinner, and it was the most perfect, beautiful snow I have ever seen! It was such a blessing to see your awesome might in the tiniest snowflakes that were falling all around me. Seeing your hand in nature all around me is something that expels faith related doubt from my mind instantly. It is truly scientific proof that you have a divine hand in this existence. 
      Thank you, God. You are so powerful.

I’ve decided to attempt to post a journal entry every day in hopes that my struggles and triumphs can be shared with others who may be having the same issues. I think it will help us be able to connect and to share creative solutions to our problems and difficulties! :)

January 24, 2012 

Once again, today I am feeling defeated. It seems like all my friends are avoiding me, and I am missing out on the fun things that they are doing with other people. I am afraid to go to the Campus Ventures House because when I try to be a part of organized Christian activities I feel like a fraud. I know that these people face some of the same struggles I do, and that they don’t feel superior to me, but my social anxiety and my belief that they are “more faithful” than I am keeps me from joining in. The voice of God is increasing in volume inside me, and I know He is here with me during this difficult time. But the urge to ignore Him is also increasing, and I find it harder and harder to look on the positive side of things. On a another note, my new fish seems very healthy. Thank you God, for the blessing of animals and pets! Also, my Drawing 2 class is going very well. Please, God, help me to have a better day tomorrow and to feel refreshed by the Holy Spirit for the rest of the week. 

<3   M.K.